| Hello and Welcome |
[10 Nov 2020|08:39pm] |
My real name is not Nikki Lace. As mentioned in my userinfo, it was a name generated by a porn star name generator, and I liked it. You will only know me as Nikki Lace, for my own anonymity.
I am 17 years old and have battled bulimia on and off since I was 12. I mean on and off because there were times when I stopped vomitting and taking diuretics but my low self-esteem had never disappeared. I've been "sober", I guess you could say, since I was 15 (almost 16). But for four long years, I was the worst person to be around. I was constantly hating myself for no other reason other than the one where I wanted to please other people.
I tried to grow up too fast. I got into dangerous, unhealthy relationships and immature relationships that never helped me feel better about myself. I also developed early, with big breasts all my life. It was all the boys ever wanted, was to just cop a feel and I felt that it was all that I had to offer. A few boyfriends commented on my weight and made me feel insecure and unimportant. That is why, at age 12, with a boyfriend who should have finished growing up first, I began to doubt myself and found out I could control myself by vomitting.
Over the years, I had the same exact relationships. Abusive mentally and emotionally, and thankfully, not all of them were abusive physically or sexually. There were the cheaters who liked me for my boobs but noticed they came with love handles and looked at the thinner girls. In middle school, it was progressively worse. I was becoming a "young woman", according to my mother, and she liked to make comments about my weight. Those were also the years when my most dangerous relationships came into play, that is, the sexually and physically abusive ones. There were only two, but the hell they wreaked on me still haunts me. By the end of 8th grade, I had been hiding my bulimia for 2 years. It was also when I began to cut. The school social worker found a note I had written to a friend about my cutting, and she didn't even help. She talked to me and made me uncomfortable, and she's been trying to help me ever since. I don't think that she even remembers. It was then that I realized no one could help me but myself.
My freshman year was probably my biggest downfall. I had another boyfriend, another asshole, another abuser, who, by breaking up with me, made me lose the majority of my friends. I began to wonder if anyone loved me. Vomitting became a rite of passage during the week. Once on Sunday to rid me of toxins to face the week and once on Friday to get rid of the week's drama. Sometimes more, never less. My health began to take its toll on me. My immunity lowered itself and I got sick often, and I had also corroded my teeth to the point where I had 7 cavities.
My sophomore year, my life had begun to turn itself around. I had another boyfriend, but I had completely broken the mold. I consider him my saving grace, since he really did help me in ways I never imagined. For once, someone didn't concentrate on what I looked like, but rather, what I did. He told me I was beautiful, however. He told me that a lot. He was the first person to whom I willingly admitted that I had a problem, and he never judged me. I told him he'd never understand what I had to put up with, nor what people's expectations of me were. There were times when he got angry with me, but he's only human and that's understandable. Self doubt that's been burrowed for several years does not go away with a snap of a finger. It takes time.
This year was not a turning point, but rather, a point of no return. I've realized my own strength through some very tough obstacles. It was my first year on a sports team where I wasn't a starter, and it made me realize that it's not my weight's fault or my own fault. My grades suffered a little and I realized that it wasn't my weight's fault. I learned that through hard work and determination, I could be better and do better.
And so, it results like this. Through my 4 years of bulimia, I was miserable, misunderstood, unhappy, and fat (yes, I was. I was carrying 160 pounds on my 5'3 frame). I never lost any weight, but rather, I just kept gaining it. In the period between 16 and 17, I discovered motivation and enthusiasm by people who cared for my well being, not my looks. I became self-confident and happy and secure. In that one year alone, I shed 15 pounds through workouts and healthier eating. I discovered that I am now myself, and I plan to keep myself that way. This journal is for all to realize that, yes, you can overcome an eating disorder and live a normal life and lose weight the healthy way. I'm not saying all those self doubts will disappear, because they won't. They'll always be with you, but you and I have the strength to know that they are wrong.
Share your story with me or ask me advice or questions. I'll be very happy to answer.
nikki_lace_7@yahoo.com
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[21 Apr 2007|09:02pm] |
My skin has broken out like crazy.
My undereye circles are horrendous.
I think I gained weight.
The boy I like doesn't like me.
My best friend decided to stop talking to me.
But I'm in a good mood.
I just received $40,000 in financial aid for the University of Chicago. Which means, I'm only paying $10,000 a year for a really prestigious education.
I'm really delirious today and nothing's bringing me down.
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[12 Jan 2006|08:19pm] |
After battling it for 3 days, I finally went off the diving board today. Wow. What have I been missing?! It was the highlight of my day. I'm going off the high dive tomorrow.
It made me realize, life is about taking risks (cliched like a motherfuck, I know). But it also made me realize what I've been missing.
Volleyball made me incredibly unhappy this year, and so pessimistic. I worked hard... to be a benchwarmer. That was harsh, considering I've been a starter for 3 years.
And rediscovering the stage is like finding the perfect pair of jeans.
It fits.
It makes me happy.
It makes me feel on top of the world.
I don't ever want to do anything that makes me that unhappy again.
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[09 Jan 2006|05:54pm] |
So all this week, my gym class is going swimming.
Today was our first day, and I was nervous to be in a two-piece suit. But the moment I saw that gleaming pool, I knew it didn't matter. I wanted to be in the water and go SWIMMING. I didn't care if the boys looked at my cleavage or my butt or my thighs. I don't even think they were looking.
But it was nice to go swimming. My legs and arms and abs were so sore from all that kicking and the such.
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[04 Jan 2006|04:57pm] |
I'm doing an ab workout that I have to do 5 times a week, and I should see results in 2 weeks. Hmm. I took a before picture, and I'll be doing this workout (along with some cardio) and I'll post results in two weeks.
It's actually pretty strenuous, I could barely finish the last set! It was in Seventeen magazine a while ago, and I've kept it. I'm trying to find it online on their website, but no enchilada so far. I'll probably take pictures of it later on (when I have batteries) and post.
I've had so many oranges today, I think I'm actually getting sick of them.
According to an online body fat test, I have 32% body fat. Hmm. That's interesting.
http://www.linear-software.com/online.html#women
This one said the same thing
http://www.he.net/~zone/prothd2.html
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[02 Jan 2006|07:43pm] |
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I really need to go running. I've been sitting around this entire break. I walked somewhere with my cousin, and I began to get stitches in my side. Eesh. I'll try to wake up early tomorrow and go running.
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| Aw man... |
[28 Dec 2005|07:04pm] |
I couldn't start my fast yesterday, like I wanted to. Ms. Monthly decided to visit, and I need my nutrients to be less of a bitch this week. Oh, and I couldn't buy yogurt. And I'm still working on my points system, though I like ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) soultoast's.
Christmas was pretty nice, I got a digital camera! Maybe I'll post pictures sometime.
Who am I kidding. Here's a picture!
The posters in back of me are from those Nike ads for women. I really like them, so they're up on my walls (I have an attic room, hence the short and weird ceiling).
Oh, and my shopping spree.
I have an underwear fetish. And those pants are a BEAUTIFUL size 8, which I haven't worn in TWO years! YAY! They're the more flattering bootcut, too, not the flared, which makes them even better.
But to my weight issues, anywho.
I made a pact with myself to never weigh myself during my period. It wouldn't be fair to me, since I might not like the number on the scale and I'll be bitchy some more. I think I'll post a body pic soon. On new year's, most likely, since then I can track my progress month by month and the one picture I have from last year.
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| Merry Christmas! |
[25 Dec 2005|05:59pm] |
Sorry for not updating. I'm currently undergoing construction on a new plan, so I'll update once I get there (probably Tuesday).
I did pretty good this weekend, considering! I ate in portions, even though I didn't realize it. Saturday, we have a tradition not to eat all day until dinner, but dinner came along and I ate as much as I would if it was a regular dinner. I love Polish food. Pierogis with poppyseed or kapusta are my weakness, but I only ate a few.
My fast starts tuesday, so I'm buying yogurt tomorrow, along with my other necessities.
But for now, my lunges and squats.
Have a nice merry christmas!
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| Happy Holidays! |
[23 Dec 2005|07:01pm] |
I can't wait for Christmas. It's so close! I'm going to pig out, mostly likely.
On Tuesday, I start my 10-day fast. It's a start to getting healthy in the new year, so I'll cleanse my system and not be so bloated. Nothing but vegetables, fruit, yogurt, water and my multivitamins.
Also on Tuesday, I start my mini-workout for the morning. I'll try it tonight so I can time it to see what time I should be waking up to do it once school starts again. 3 sets/20 reps of situps, pushups, donkey kicks, lunges, and squats. I think it'll take about a half hour, but I'll have to see.
Hope you all have a good holiday :)
The reason I'm starting on a Tuesday: I need Monday to lay around from the bloating of Christmas. Tuesday also seems like a really weird day, so I'll remember.
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| Reward! |
[12 Dec 2005|08:49pm] |
I've got it!
The moment I lose ten pounds, I am buying myself Dior's Addict for Women. I give myself... until February!
CW: 147
GW on February 12th: 137
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| Holiday Cheer |
[02 Dec 2005|06:38pm] |
December is the month of my birthday and Christmas, but I know that there are more important things to talk about.
I strive to make December my volunteer month (at least, more of volunteering). This year, I joined with National Honor Society at school for what we call Adopt-A-Kid. We get a list of inner-city kids (I live near Chicago) who wouldn't regularly get a Christmas present, and we spend 20$ on them, 10$ for a practical gift (like a scarf, hat, gloves) and 10$ for a fun gift (a book, toys, etc.). The toys are to be brand new, not used. I have my own kid, a six year old girl named Gribana, with a friend of mine, and another kid, a one year old girl named Avie, with my junior leaders class. I like to give and volunteer on my birthday more than I like to receive presents.
It's just something fulfilling that I love to do, ever since my grandma died. I talk about her a lot, so don't be surprised to see her mentioned later on. She volunteered a lot, and now I do, too.
I've been eating a lot lately, but I'm more loose with my diet when I'm having that, ahem, time of the month. I'm still exercising, so it's not damaging to me.
I've been looking for a better multivitamin, since Flintstones Complete is just a little juvenile for me. The best one I've seen so far is Centrum, and it's just under 10$ for 130 tablets (about 4 months supply). 2.5$ a month is not bad for my health. I also take Omega-3 Oil pills (fish pills, basically). Actually, ever since I've begun to take multivitamins and the fish pills, I've been feeling less lethargic and a lot more forgiving towards annoying people. I've been in much better moods and it's easier to concentrate in school, which is most important.
Hope you all have a great week!
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[25 Nov 2005|08:04am] |
I'm not worried about holiday food. It's the one time of the year (an entire month!) where I get to pig out! Thanksgiving, my birthday, and Christmas all fall within a month of each other, and I throw caution to the wind with the food. I stay healthy the majority of the time, but holidays are meant to be fun and full of food, and I will take complete advantage of it!
I've been doing pretty good. I've lost half a pound in the past week, so I'm pretty proud, considering. My brother came home from college and our house is filled with crap. Rice Krispies, frozen meals, ew. I remember that when I was younger, it's all I would eat! No wonder I gained weight. Now I can barely stand the sight of the stuff.
Either way, my new year is still a work in progress, and damn it, it's good progress.
I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving!
Now I gotta get a bite of some pumpkin pie.
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| Healthy habits die hard. |
[17 Nov 2005|03:39pm] |
Self.com and selfdietclub.com are such great resources! I type in the exercises I do and boom! there's my calorie burning for the day. Then I enter the food I ate and it gives me calories, fats, carbs and protein.
It makes me happy to see my progress from June to now. I'm eating more calories than I used to, but they're GOOD calories. I started to eat breakfast, too, and I actually didn't gobble down everything on my dinner plate. I felt 90% full all day, which is pretty good. I'm getting a higher protein intake and a lower fat intake, which is also good, because I don't want to lose my muscles!
I need to figure out when to use a weight room anywhere because I can't rely on just pushups to strengthen my upper body.
Also, if you get a chance, check out Fitness Running. I don't remember the author, but I do know it was published in the early 90s. It's a very good book for all kinds of runners, so I highly recommend it!
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